This is not an easy post to write, but I have not had an easy time. As you may know, I usually tend to keep this blog light and upbeat, but this is important.
As some of you guys may know, I’ve had an incredibly hectic year. From flying to Sydney twice this year, to buying our first home, to starting two new jobs and dealing with crippling anxiety, it’s been an emotionally exhausting time for me.
I’ve always been one of those people who thought I could do it all. Every weekend would be spent catching up on commenting, instagramming, house work, seeing family and socialising with friends. Every weekday would be spent at work until late, with lunches packed with seeing friends and late nights socialising some more. On top of seeing my sister at the hospital, dealing with family drama, keeping up with the blog and keeping up appearances, I knew I couldn’t maintain this for long.
When I started my new job, I cried myself to sleep after work every night from the rampant bullying. I felt so exhausted and blamed myself for moving from a role where I was respected and happy. I kept on going, because I thought that’s just what resilience was, and that that’s just what strong people do. But after having an emotional breakdown which resulted in not being able to leave my bed for days, I decided to leave, which is the best decision I ever made. Sometimes part of being strong is knowing when things aren’t going to change and walking away. That’s a lesson that will stay with me for a lifetime.
Thankfully it wasn’t long before I got a new job, with a few weeks off to relax and get it all out of my system. During these weeks, I worked a lot on my blog, but a thought occurred to me. Why should I need to walk away from work, just to be able to do the things I love, to be able to spend the time I have, the way I want it? Why should I feel like I need to somehow justify time spent doing absolutely nothing (ie. reading and sipping tea) to myself?
Before starting my new job, I got incredibly ill. I went to the doctor, tried to get heaps of rest, cancelled a party that we were holding with friends. I started my first day which went really well, but that night, I had a high fever, chills, pain and could barely even walk. Even then, I still tried to go to work. But when I started vomiting up water, I knew I had to go to hospital.
I’ve just spent 5 days in hospital with a kidney infection, I know it was pretty serious because I feel like I almost died. It’s happened to me before, but this is the worst bout of it I’ve ever had. The thing about kidney infections, is that they can permanently scar your kidney, and I know previous infections have done that. I shudder to think about the damage that I’ve done to my body just from ignoring the signs and from not looking after myself. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t get better and didn’t get to hospital that day.
Seeing as both my mental and physical health have taken it’s toll this year, it’s been a huge wake up call. Your health is the most important. Without it, we can’t do the things we love. We can’t support the people that we love. We can’t even be someone that we love.
If you need to say no once in a while, or you don’t feel like doing something with your time, your friends and family will understand that. Don’t make excuses in order to look after yourself. Don’t feel bad about looking after yourself. Recognise the signs of fatigue, of exhaustion, of emotional and physical health taking it’s toll and do something about it – be kind to yourself.
Thanks to everyone who reached out to me while I was in hospital, while I was going through a tough time with my anxiety, and just in general to see how I was. I appreciate each and every one of you and it definitely meant a lot to me. I’m definitely switching gears for the rest of the year and spending time – on me.
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